The Hidden Work To “Just Ask” In Modern Relationships

When someone says“just ask,” their assumption is that the work starts after you audibly verbalize the need for help.

The reality of this paradox is that the work has already started.

It began to evolve before anyone even thought about asking you to ask them for help.

Long before anything is said

You have already:

• Catalogued what needs to be done in your head
• Been tracking, daily, what has not been done yet
• Made decisions about what is most important to do right now
• Created a timeline in your head just about when to bring it up
• Formulated a conversation to ensure the right things are said in order for it to land well

There may even be times when you have already done everything on the list above once, or even twice.

So you prepare to:

• Repeat it in a different way that provides more clarity
• Follow up on it, meaning you ask (again) if what you asked for has been done
• Continue to carry the mental responsibility for what has not been done

What is so crucial here, and what is so often completely overlooked, is the fact that when you finally ask for help, you are not starting from ground zero, but whom ever you are trying to bring into the fold is.

This is step number one for them, and unfortunately there is no reason for them to conceptualize the situation in any other way.

Subsequently, the underlying truth, that can become a major source of frustration, is the lack of awareness around the fact that by the time you decide to verbalize your needs, you have already done at least five cognitive tasks.

The repetitive nature of this conundrum becomes problematic because of the lack of understanding around the obscurity of the five previous tasks. Tasks that are invisible to everyone else because they live inside a system that lives inside your head.

Why This Construct Is So Exhausting

1. You Are Still Beholden To The Role Of Household Manager, By Default

Even when tasks are shared, the responsibility for those tasks is not.

You must continue to be diligent because you are still the one who has to:

• Observe and create a task list, in your head
• Initiate the externalization of this list so it can be verbalized
• Be seen as a competent communicator when you decide to ask
• Delegate the task list to a person
• Provide training and instructions in order for that person to effectively complete the task
• Follow through, if all of the above gets done, you still need to confirm completion.
• Ultimately be responsible for completing the task, if none of it gets done

Either way, you are still carrying the mental load for the household. “Just ask” has not relieved you of any responsibility.

Perhaps you have gained some assistance, but the dilemma is, considering all that had to be done in your head just to get to this point, is it worth it in the end?

2.You Must Now Take On The Role Of Project Manager

Let’s reiterate your list of duties:

• assign tasks
• track completion
• ensure nothing falls through

Now you have a more succinct list, but it is still the greater portion of the same work, plus more. Ultimately, as you attempt to extend ourselves outward in order to ask other people for help, you must now manage the work and the people, making you project manager.

You did not verbally commit or consent to this role, but it is an essential part of living and operating in the modern day household.

We have created a default “names” for these default “roles”, but in reality, there is no universally accepted and understood name for these roles. No job description, no way for others to identify what it is.

These roles remain unnamed and unrecognized, and they come with a set of undefined tasks and duties that you have catalogued in your head, using an internalized system that only you have access to.

3. It Requires Emotional Labor On Top Of Logistics

So here is my shameless plug, if you have not read my essay on Emotional Labor, you can! Just click on the image below and you can gain a comprehensive knowledge of what emotional labor is, and how it is interwoven into this tapestry we call The Mental Load.

Insert Image Link to Emotional Load Pillar Post

Now we bring another intangible variety of work into the works, Emotional Labor. Emotional labor is how you manage the emotional environment inside of your microcosm. It is the work of a mediator, but without any objective set of criteria.

The job is to keep the emotional environment stable, in order to proceed with the necessary tasks at any given moment in time.

This Means:

• Evaluating the emotional environment and consciously choosing the right tone
• Conversational awareness in order to avoid sounding critical
• Receiving and bracing for other people’s reactions which you will need to regulate
• Making decisions about the emotional management that is needed
• Recognizing defensiveness or push back early so you can contextually reframe the situation
• Improvising softer versions of the request so it can be well received

Time For A Deep Breath…Or Five

This is the point when I like to revisit the question we have all asked ourselves hundreds of times “is it worth it to ‘just ask’?”

In the simplest terms, let’s look at the required elements needed from you in order to ask for help.

Asking for help requires:

• Mental effort
• Emotional effort
• Communication strategy

These are very very broad and oversimplified categories with dozens of subcategories, each containing hundreds of potential scenarios with thousands of unknown outcomes.

The responsibility of evaluating all of that to “just ask” for help;

That is not relief, that is more work.

Help Is Not Responsibility

This is where actionable change starts to feel attainable.

If we can define what something is not, we can start naming what “is.”

Offering an articulate distinction of “what is” and “what is not” is the first step in being able to verbally communicate with others what you are experiencing.

Unfortunately, most relationships are not inherently structured around shared responsibility.

In the same way that many responsibilities are assumed and assigned via structural inequity that is unseen and unspoken.

The default dynamic in many relationships is one where one person absorbs the responsibility for the household, and one person is the “helping arm.”

Conversations about help can sound like:

• “I don’t mind helping, just tell me what to do”
• “Don’t worry, I’ll do it if you ask”
• “you didn’t say it needed to be done today”

Shared responsibility may include:

• When both people are actively observing and cataloging what needs to be done
• Initiating the work each time either person sees it, without needing to be asked or prompted
• Each person holding their share of the load and taking ownership for the household

The difference between these two sets of circumstances in not how much effort each person is contributing.

The systematic difference here is each person actively, consciously and autonomously embracing ownership.

How This Pattern Starts & Is Perpetuated

To be completely fair to all parties involved here, it should be stated, that when the responsibility vs help dynamic begins it is rarely either person’s intention to consciously adopt this dynamic and assign each part to one or the other in a way that is completely inequitable.

So how do we get here? How does it all start?

The answer to these questions are still allusive, but we are talking about it, and creating language around it, and in doing so we essentially form a collective answer or theory to help ourselves understand.

Considering our collective theory here is based primarily on lived and shared experience we will keep it simple.

First, let’s look at what is foundational to this pattern, or how it is built.

Simply, this pattern is built through:

• Habit’s that either learned or inherited, or both
• Social control, social conditioning, and societal expectations
• The need for specific roles inside the modern home that are not named and therefore not explicitly discussed

Over time, one person, by default becomes the “holder” of everything, this is the role that evolves into inherent ownership and unseen responsibility. Subsequently the pattern supports the other person’s default role which is the “helper.”

As the pattern is carried forth and continuously perpetuated the “helper” role tends to dissipate, and an inverse relationship to the person who holds everything is exacerbated over time.

In other words as one takes on more responsibility the other, by default, is less and less “helpful.” If the relationship is inverted, the “helper,” who assumes no ownership, slowly disowns their role which then increases the load for whom ever is holding all of the responsibility.

We are not here to point fingers or assign blame, because we know, and anyone who has experienced this dynamic knows, that even in the most loving, supportive relationships, this imbalance is a systemic, universal complex that grows quietly and exponentially over time.

The Cost of Carrying Responsibility Alone

If you are the person managing everything, holding the unseen work, and absorbing all of the responsibility, you are probably exhausted, any one would be, which is why we are here.

Provided the circumstances it is no surprise that the cost or “the damage” created by the corrosive nature of carrying everything alone can be more than just exhaustion.

It can create:

• Resentment over time, which can be difficult to recognize until it is often suddenly apparent
• Discord and disconnection from those you love and more importantly from yourself
• Feelings of being unseen, unsupported, and therefore invisible
• Anger that either erupts or is internalized, because what exactly are you angry about when you have no way of naming it?

This pattern, or construct has been cycling through the homes and families of humans all over the world for hundreds of years, it is socially systemic and it is a structural inequity that will continue to cycle through homes and families for generations to come.

Social change is also systemic and focuses on structural inequities that can be measured, and validated through language, science and universal lived experience.

That is what we are doing here, we are creating language and conversations that are validating for those who are experiencing the mental load and all of it’s nuances in real time.

Stop Trying To Translate Responsibility

This is subtle, but powerful, and takes some creative rewording (which I know is more to keep in your head for now), but it’s worth it.

I don’t make promises or create expectations, because the circumstances that exist with in the mental load are infinite and there is absolutely no way to know if, when, how or who any of this might work for or not.

In this very specific section of this very specific essay, I will just type it out,

“Naming it Changes it!”

So let’s try it:

Instead of asking your partner: “Can you help with the chores?”

Start naming what they are responsible for: “The laundry needs to be handled,” that’s all.

When we name something, it becomes tangible, and the more tangible things become the more we take ownership of them.

Once we have names we can create language that aids in dialogue and direct communication pathways that were previously completely allusive.

Clarity comes when your communication style is mutually understood and beneficial. At this point you have successfully shifted the framework from a personal request to a shared responsibility.

Perhaps you have heard this before “things don’t just change overnight.” Of course, we have all heard this before, especially when we are trying to have a conversation about change.

The good news is you don’t need a perfect system.

Perfection is the enemy of progress, have you heard that one before as well? More good news, we are not, in any way, shape or form attempting to create anything perfect.

Embracing imperfection creates room for growth.

A New Model For Creating Equity

We do not need to rely on a system that we have created inside of our head, where only we have access to it. We need a new model that exists externally, outside of our head.

Creating a more equitable model means creating more accessibility to that model.

1. Divide Ownership, Not Just Tasks

Instead of trying to divide each task to an individual, assign full responsibility for entire categories.

This requires each person to observe, catalog and initiate the work needed to complete several tasks, this compartmentalizes the mental load associated with each category.

Examples of different categories might be:

• Food: Grocery shopping and meal planning plus snacks etc.
• Household Tasks: Laundry, doing the dishes, taking out trash/recycling etc.
• Scheduling: appointments, deadlines, bills etc.
• Family logistics: transportation, school events, extracurricular activities etc.

The person responsible for each category:

• Must observe, catalog and initiate all tasks associated with their category, as well as manage lists of supplies needed for each, and the amount of time required.
• Must Plan when they will be able to do the necessary steps in order to complete their category’s tasks, or if multiple spaces of time will be needed
• Must Execute and complete their tasks

This is a systematic change, a new model that assigns holistic responsibility of specific categories to an individual.

2. Take away the “Ask First” Rule

If the new model is implemented successfully then when something needs to be done, what ever that thing might be, belongs to whom ever now holds ownership for that category or domain.

They are now responsible for observing these things and then knowing what needs to be done. This is meant to eliminate the need to ask the other person what or how to do anything with in that domain.

In the beginning whom ever used to carry the entire mental load might still be the first person to observe things that need to be done, but it is important to help your partner and yourself by not acting on what you see first.

This is easier said then done, but to solidify the new model as a foundational structure in your home your partner must be given the opportunity to take full responsibility, even if it means you have to look at a pile of laundry for a week.

3. Accept That Discomfort Is A Part of Rebalancing

Your partner or whom ever is now taking responsibility for an equitable share of the mental load is shifting from “helper” to “holder.”

As former holder’s of the entire mental load you might find it difficult to let go, to be patient, and to not interject. Implementing the new model will require some emotional labor from you, this is unavoidable, and necessary.

In this context, emotional labor means having awareness around the fact that the new “holder,” and former “helper” will need to adjust to their new role.

They might experience:

• Feeling disoriented or out of place
• Feeling that the redistribution of the mental load is uneven at first
• Feeling overwhelmed mentally and emotionally
• Discomfort with new and different types of responsibility

Experiencing these kinds of feelings is not wrong, what they are feeling is valid, and you can be the first one to tell them that. They should feel safe to express themselves, you were not given that luxury, and remember that comparison is the death of happiness.

Ultimately, discomfort is an indicator that the new model is sticking and the pattern is changing.

Sometimes we need to go through periods of discomfort and disruption in order to grow and evolve.

You Are Not Asking for Too Much

Understanding the need for shared responsibility is not:

• Too demanding, it’s a call to action
• Too controlling, it’s letting go of control
• Expecting perfection, it’s implementing a model for sustainable co-habitation

Reaching out to your partner in order to dismantle a system that will eventually create resentment and dysfunction is, in no way, unreasonable.

You have moved into a place where you recognize the need for a structure where you are not the only one holding everything together.

Relationships are not meant to operate with one person managing, and one person assisting.

A sustainable relationship operates inside a framework that allows for the equitable division of ownership and responsibility.

Sustaining a system that does not exhaust it’s operator requires individuals in relationship to consciously decide that carrying the essential and unseen work together, is necessary for a functional life.

Let Go Of What Is Not Yours To Carry

I realize that some of the content I am trying to articulate can be very redundant.

Sometimes redundancy has meaning, and I believe that any person who is reading this, and has made it to this sentence (first of all, well done) should be offered the kind of reassurance that comes from reading things multiple times.

So here it is.

You are not meant to:

• Remember everything for everyone on your own
• Initiate everything for everyone on your own
• Hold everything together for everyone by yourself

You are meant to live as an active, autonomous member of your own life, and if you are in relationship and/or have children and/or family, then you are not meant to constantly and continuously carry the mental load in it’s entirety for your whole household.

Partners are not personal assistants, they are meant to carry their share of responsibility and take ownership of their household.

Partnership is built on the expectation and execution of an equal and equitable division of the collective parts that make up the unseen, invisible work and labor inherently necessary for a fully functional and sustainable life.