Self-erasure doesn’t happen all at once. You do not just wake up one day and realize you have systematically and structurally disappeared from your own life.

What Is Self-Erasure in Motherhood?

Self-erasure is when your needs, identity, and inner life consistently, and automatically become secondary to every other life in your microcosm.

This, naturally, happens quietly and without question.

You start saying yes faster than you can even think about what has been asked of you. You lose the capacity to acknowledge your own thoughts and feelings. Whatever it is that matters to you, or used to matter to you gets put on the back burner, and you tell yourself “it’s just for now, just until things calm down.”

As a nurturer and caretaker you inherently become more available, more accommodating, more responsive and more agreeable. Not to say that any of this is “wrong” or “bad,” but when it goes unchecked you slowly become less visible to yourself, much less anyone else. Most are not aware that this is happening to them, we are fundamentally fading ourselves out, we become lost, but no one call it a loss.

This loss of self can manifest in several ways:

• If you find yourself not knowing (or caring) about what you want anymore
• If you have ever felt guilty about asking for basic human needs such as time, space, or support
• If you automatically default to attending to everyone else’s needs without checking in with your own
• If you have ever struggled to set boundaries, and especially if setting boundaries requires over-explaining or backtracking for justification
• If you ever feel heightened or “on alert” with the expectation that some kind of reprieve will come, but it never does, there is no “off switch”

To be clear, self-erasure does not represent the notion that you do not exist anymore. It is more that you no longer occupy the central space in your own life. You do not occupy any defined “space,” you are constantly moving through other’s space.

This is not by design, nor by accident. The last few thousand years of the global human collective has systematically and effectively been on a crusade to definitively contain and homogenize the role of “mother,” “woman,” “nurturer,” or “caretaker” in to a controlled and singular identity (the universal effacement of one’s autonomy). Ultimately the language around this act of martyrdom through motherhood has emerged as grossly self-sacrificial in the name of caring.

Examples of this are:

• “What a loving mother, she puts everyone else’s needs before her own”
• “They have sacrificed so much for their family, they are a hero”
• “It’s just what good mothers do”

Fortunately, we are now able to recognize that loving your family and disappearing inside of them are not mutually exclusive.

When Self-Erasure Begins And Why It’s So Normalized

Self-erasure doesn’t start as an eminent, recognizable problem. It starts when we begin to adapt due to a new role (mother, parent, caretaker, nurturer etc.) In this kind of role there is an inherent biological, evolutionarily proven need to adapt, this is science and is a part of the fundamental mammalian (and other animals) natural behaviors.

Examples of adaptation include:

• pre-cognitive ability to anticipate the needs of others
• the pro active prevention of friction in order maintain stability or civility
• the ability to continuously be flexible in order to maximize accommodation of needs
• the ability to perpetually move in order to preserves the cadence of modern life

These are all incredible adaptations, amazing, super-hero level abilities that work well for almost everyone. At some point the constant implementation of these skills of adaptation becomes exhausting and debilitating to ourselves. This is when we start to justify self-erasure with age old tropes such as:

• It makes you a good mother
• a reliable partner
• a stable presence for your children

When we lose ourselves, we experience the loss of our identity. Over time the “amazing and totally natural ability to adapt” becomes our identity. What was once a choice to take on a new role ultimately is reframed as “If I am not constantly fulfilling the needs of others then I am not a good partner or parent” so our role becomes a silent expectation that everyone needs but no one acknowledges, as well as a necessary system to create a functional, smooth day to day life.

Three Unseen Forces That Perpetuate Self-Erasure

1. Identity Drift

There is no doubt that becoming a mother reshapes you. Taking on the role of caretaker, emotional regulator, planner, or household manager requires a new definition of what identity means, whom ever is adopting these roles knows this. As we continue to identify with our role, we become more and more defined by it, and ultimately if we do not establish clear intentions for ourselves, we no longer represent a person who occupies these roles, the role itself can replace you. We may not know that this has happened, for example,

You may notice:

• You can’t recall your interests outside of [insert role] so they fade into space, and we start to dismantle our lives saying things like “that was in a previous life,” or “my life before [insert role].”
• Your entire sense of self is based on being a mother or parent, and there are no other “parts” of you.
• There is often a very quiet questioning of ones self (perhaps an unconscious question trying to break through): Who am I outside of being a [role] and what would I even do if I wasn’t doing everything for everyone else?”

An important truth here is: If all of the above feels like you, and all of it resonates deeply as pillar of who you are (me), please love yourself right now. I do not claim that identifying with any of the roles we have talked about means that you have failed your self. If everything in this essay feels like your whole heart (me, again) that does not mean that you are lost. I only hold the opinion that no one should have to feel they are obligated by their role as mother etc. to sacrifice who they are as an individual.

For me “I am Maera, and I am a mother” is a declaration of myself first, and then a qualifier, an “in addition I am a [role, profession, other adjective etc.]” When your identity as an individual is never given space to evolve independently of what ever role you voluntarily adopt there is self-erasure, and this can lead to the very common circumstance for those in caretaking roles to feel that their servitude towards their loved ones and others is what defines them.

2. Guilt

Guilt is a vicious, pervasive, easily manipulated and often deeply internalized product of shame culture. Guilt corrodes our insides and can make us feel so small that we lose our voices in their entirety, and getting them back is often much more of a battle than just staying silent. Even if self-erasure is identified and acknowledged by an individual, and even if that individual has the desire to reinstate their autonomy, well… Guilt almost always steps in to sabotage our personal wants and needs.

• Guilt for wanting time alone
• Guilt for saying no
• Guilt for not doing more, being more, giving more
• Guilt for merely taking up space

Guilt is so influential that we will completely override our selves. Literally hit control-alt-delete on our own needs. We do this over and over again, finally your needs start to feel optional, and you fell absolved of guilt, which is the worst possible form of continuously repeating a behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

“I feel guilty for needing a few hours to myself, maybe I don’t really need that time, I’ll give it up, now I don’t feel guilty, but I feel exhausted and burnt out which is somehow better.” I never met anyone with a healthy relationship to guilt.

3. Boundaries That Fold Instead of Hold

Hi, I’m Maera and I have never been able to set a clear boundary in my entire life. I have tried over and over using speech and written word, but it seems I am not able to set limits. Here is my personal anecdote. One hundred percent of the days I have been on Earth (pre-language years excluded) I have said one of the following statements:

• “It will be easier if I just do it.”
• “I don’t mind.”
• “I can handle it.”
• “It’s fine, I have time for you to tell me your whole life story.”

Even if I try to definitely set a boundary, for some reason (probably guilt) I soften it immediately.

The truth here is; trying to hold a strong boundary feels:

• Uncomfortable
• Disruptive
• “Not worth it”
• Conflict inducing
• Anxiety provoking

This is a viscous cycle and we take a lot of responsibility for it, as we should, but there are many external forces at work here, and they are in total opposition of us.

This Is Not “Just A Part of Motherhood”

You’ve probably been told either explicitly or implicitly that this is just what motherhood is. It is diminishing and deflating because it makes you feel small, and indistinguishable as an individual other than the observation that if you’re not prescribing to the behaviors that lead to self-erasure then you are distinguished, as a bad mother or caretaker. It is so important to learn how to talk to yourself because this essay and you might be the only ones to tell you that self-erasure is not a requirement for being a good caretaker, mother, nurturer, or parent.

Self-erasure is an interwoven part of a bigger pattern, one that has been collectively perpetuated indefinitely. Patterns can be broken, it is possible, or at the very least a pattern can be interrupted. As modern day parents we are well aware of the idea of breaking a cycle. A cycle of abuse or a cycle of addiction, so we can certainly disrupt a pattern. Self-erasure is a toxic pattern that is not as well known or tangible as other patterns, but understanding it’s obscurity is how we start to disrupt the pattern.

We can insert the notion of self-erasure into the same framework as abuse or addiction by implementing the belief that our children do not need a version of us that has disappeared, faded out, or become invisible. I believe our children need to see and learn from the honest version of ourselves, the version who is also apart of our children’s foundational self. They see themselves in us, so let them see who we are as human beings, individuals who value their autonomy and are proud to be wonderful caretakers, not only of everyone around them, but perhaps more importantly, of themselves.

The First Shift: You Are Allowed to Be Included in Your Own Life

Do it now, not later. There is no objective time for anything, not when things calm down, not when everyone else is taken care of. Now is the time, there is no time like the present, seize the day, choose your time obliterating trope. Realistically you can’t just do it “now,” the point is to think about your self momentarily, and if you can recall anything about yourself (i.e. I like naps, books, movies, pilates, gardening, lifting weights, sitting down, carpentry, chemistry, shopping, literally anything) then try to write it down.

If you fish it out of your head and put it on paper, it makes it feel more real. Next time you get a moment, you may see that paper and that thing you wrote down and you may just go ahead and do it then, always give yourself permission to do so and try your best to give yourself time.

To be clear, again, I am not telling you to abandon your family or your cat. This does not mean you must now choose yourself over your family. It means choosing yourself. Period. Choose yourself, wether it’s a moment in time to think, or a week long solo beach retreat, if you hear that quiet voice inside saying “I need something, can we try?” just listen.

How To Stay Visible And Be Present For Yourself

This is where we move from awareness to action, and not in an overwhelming way. The fact that you found this blog means you are ahead of the game when it comes to awareness. Action does not need to look like massive changes, in fact, we are more likely to get the results or outcome that we want through small, consistent shifts.

1. Start Noticing When You Automatically Override Yourself

Pay attention to the moments when you react, or feel compelled to respond before giving yourself a chance to think.

Reactions may look like:

• Saying yes automatically without any hesitation or pause
• Actively ignoring or dismissing the quiet voice inside trying to tell you something you want
• Avoiding or minimizing your own needs, neglecting self-care

Just like anything change doesn’t happen over night, and it’s important to manage our expectations in order to have a better chance at achieving our goals. The first thing here is just to start to notice and observe your own reactions and behaviors, even retroactively. You have already broken the pattern by reading this essay, and even before that, just becoming aware. Awareness is the first interruption.

2. Let Guilt Exist

Guilt will always show up. Unfortunately it cannot be eradicated, but it can be managed. Acknowledge your guilt, let yourself feel it, but you don’t need to let guilt tell you what to do or not do. Again, not too much changes overnight, but guilt is a monster, but it is your monster, which means you get to decide how your monster effects your decisions. Here is the thing about guilt, You can let yourself feel guilt, and still:

• Make a plan to take time for yourself, write down a time and place
• Prepare yourself to say no, even just practicing in the mirror
• Make a to do list and leave it on the counter, then never look at that piece of paper again

These are things that create guilt, things we have been conditioned to tell ourselves we don’t need or want. Guilt is a feeling, inspired by social control, but also self imposed. This is not meant to feel like victim blaming or shaming, it’s just a gentle reminder that guilt holds no authority over what, or when or how you do or don’t do anything. Guilt is an emotion, not a directive.

3. Practice Small, Clear Boundaries

This can sound insurmountable to some (me), but it does not have to feel that way. You do not need to start with grandiose boundary delusions, in fact, I would advise against it. I am also aware that for some (me) language and communication around boundaries can be challenging to say the least, but start small.

Clarifying a boundary does not need to be a perfect articulate speech. In my ongoing struggle with boundaries I have found that the less words you use the better. I believe there is more clarity and even more conviction behind simple phrases like:

• “I can’t do that tonight.”
• “I need 20 minutes before I switch tasks.”
• “I’m not available for that right now.”

There is no need for long explanations. Boundaries don’t need to be justified. If you need it, it’s valid, no explanation, no justification.

4. Reconnect With Something That Belongs To You Only

This is not a call to action, you do not need to create a list of tasks (unless you want to) the goal here is not productivity, or even usefulness. This is not something you do for someone else. Think small, downsize and try to feel complete ownership of:

• A thought
• A habit
• A creative outlet
• A moment in time

Sometimes it takes less energy to just dissociate from your body or the world. It feels easier to take a spare moment and use it to escape, and if that is what you want to do sometimes, you should. I know I do, but I have also come to recall many things that bring me real joy, things that are only for me, and that is autonomy. You do not exist for the mere purpose of functioning like an android. You are a human.

Visibility Not Invisibility: Good Mothers Are Seen

It shocks me every time I think about the social norms that want to convince us that becoming invisible, disappearing for the sake of others well-being or, as we have labeled it self-erasure is a part of being a good mother or caretaker. This is the literal opposite of true, in my opinion. In the most basic structure of hierarchical human needs, a child, an infant or a baby, more specifically, being able to see the person who takes care of them, their mother or nurturer, their parent, whom ever it is, is critical for their mental development and physical well being.

A child who sees their parents as individuals, as human beings, as models for behavior are gleaning so much important information merely by seeing the sentience of these family members. Instead of creating and then reinforcing the objectification of a human being who goes unseen, and who fades in and out, we should want our children to know us as individual people.

Mothers and caretakers who are also individuals can be:

• Present without being consumed or taken advantage of
• Supportive of others needs with out abandoning their own
• Unconditionally loving, without losing the love of themselves.

Nothing we have covered here equates to or even indicates that creating space for your self means doing less for your family. We are simply amplifying the sentiment that being a good mother is not transactional, especially if you are told the cost is yourself.

You are not meant to be the invisible force that is holding everything together. You are meant to exist and thrive inside of your own life.

If this feels like something you’re just starting to see…

Inside The Honest Mom Collective,
we talk about identity, guilt, and boundaries in real life—not theory.